Going on

In the lead up to the funeral, people kept telling me that the ceremony would give me a sense of closure. In some ways I feel as though the exact opposite is true. Yes, I've managed to tie off aspects of my relationship with my Dad. But at a time when I was already questioning a lot of things about who I am and what I want to be, this has spun me in different directions altogether. Some of it appears to be an accelerating of ideas and thoughts which were already happening, and some of it is completely out of left field. I think maybe his death is giving me permission to think and feel and see things I didn't want to before.

This is so hard. Change is never easy, but in the middle of grief and with no simple answers it feels like it's extra tough. I miss being sure about myself, or at least having the illusion that I was sure about myself. Some of the stuff I'm going through is ... odd, and it's calling into play almost everything I think and believe. Suddenly it feels as though I have no idea who I am or where I'm going.

I know that if I'm ever so sure of myself that I become truly complacent I will be living the kind of dull life I never want to have. I just wish it didn't have to be quite this interesting at just this point.