Going on

[crypticgirl]

In the lead up to the funeral, people kept telling me that the ceremony would give me a sense of closure. In some ways I feel as though the exact opposite is true. Yes, I've managed to tie off aspects of my relationship with my Dad. But at a time when I was already questioning a lot of things about who I am and what I want to be, this has spun me in different directions altogether. Some of it appears to be an accelerating of ideas and thoughts which were already happening, and some of it is completely out of left field. I think maybe his death is giving me permission to think and feel and see things I didn't want to before.

This is so hard. Change is never easy, but in the middle of grief and with no simple answers it feels like it's extra tough. I miss being sure about myself, or at least having the illusion that I was sure about myself. Some of the stuff I'm going through is ... odd, and it's calling into play almost everything I think and believe. Suddenly it feels as though I have no idea who I am or where I'm going.

I know that if I'm ever so sure of myself that I become truly complacent I will be living the kind of dull life I never want to have. I just wish it didn't have to be quite this interesting at just this point.

Comments

that makes sense

[halimawaaabdull.livejournal.com]

Hi,
You metnion the fact that the opposite seems to be true. funeral does not always bring closure.
t brings a more pronounced grief. You will find the answers you seek about who youa re with time.
Although this sentiment probably doesn't help you much, time will make the grief become more manageable, yet always a part of you.


hope this helps, and if you have not yet done so, maybe elarn about the grief process?

Halima

Re: that makes sense

[crypticgirl.livejournal.com]

Thanks Halima. I really appreciate your thoughts.

I know a little bit about grieving from a psychological point of view, but I'm steering clear of going for textbooks or written information at this point. It's comforting to hear about other people's experiences, and it's comforting to know that there is a basic process to go through, but beyond that I think getting information from 'authorities' would make me feel as though there's something I *should* be feeling right now, if that makes sense. My biggest and best instinct at this stage is to just let myself feel whatever it is I need to at any given moment.