I feel like I'm struggling with a lot right now.

Today I finally got around to doing the paperwork for the State Trustee for Dad's money. Funny how filling out a mostly meaningless bureaucratic form can make you so upset. Until I got here, I'd always thought that grief would be prompted by lived and living things, not a blank and impersonal sheet of paper. It probably doesn't help that I feel like I don't want any part of this process at all. I feel like I got my inheritance when I got to physically scatter his ashes. I got to do the real thing, the gritty thing, the beautiful deed in the sun. I don't want to move beyond that.

Still having fits of paranoia over my ability to do $NewJob well. It's only a month and a bit in, though, and there are some good indicators: they've paid for my QANTAS Club membership even though I'm still in the three month probation period, and my boss said "I'm so glad we've employed you" after looking over my first draft of my first major submission for them.

All the same, I would love to know when the sense of gutwrenching terror is going to go away. I know it will, it's happened before. As I said to Miss B tonight, having a good reputation can actually be a disadvantage when you're trying to get past the 'can I actually do this?' phase because you have something to live up to. You're high enough that the fall would be really bad.

Oh well. It's not like I've never had to break a fall before. *wry grin*

As for my romantic life, well. To adapt a Pratchett quote, if complete and utter romantic chaos was lightning, I'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting "All gods are bastards!". Sigh. No, I am not at the point of needing blind dates yet. You may not fscking well set me up. When I start writing like Helen Fielding you can step in.

Mostly I'm okay. I feel like I'm pushing my whole life up a hill in a tangled little ball some days, and I'm trying to untangle it as I go. But I have help to do that, and I can feel myself pushing forward. Better still: I know I need to be doing this.


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