the pros and cons of being alone

There have been many times over the last five or six months when I've felt truly alone and despondent, and in desparate need of a hug from someone I know and love. Most of those times have been when I've hit really deep lows -- having to move, getting rejection letters for jobs, being worn out from trying to find my way around a city I still don't know very well -- and that sort of response is pretty understandable in those circumstances.

But today is probably the first time I've really misssed that couple-thing of being taken care of in a more mundane sense. I'm starting to come down with the flu, and I have the slightly blocked up nose and weird temperature fluctuations to prove it. Six months ago, such circumstances would've meant I could mope and pout to whichever significant other happened to be nearest. I'd get sympathy. And hugs. And possibly chocolate, depending on how pathetic I looked.

Obviously things are different this time around. I have to take care of myself now, and while it's not just in terms of physical well being, having the flu is probably one of the most tangible reminders of singledom I've had thus far. I don't have anyone to pick up the slack in my house hunting efforts. I have to get my own bowls of soup and glasses of orange juice, and what's more, I'll have to trek to the shops for cough lollies and medications myself. At least I've spotted the onset of this, so I can stock up on supplies tomorrow then take it easy.

But if I think about it, being newly single in a completely new city has taught me a lot about looking out for myself. I'm learning to figure out exactly what my needs are without having to consider anyone else's. I'm learning not to beat myself up over the mistakes I make, because I can't really go to anyone else for forgiveness, and berating myself probably isn't a good look as far as my emotional well being is concerned. I'm learning to take more risks to go places and do things, even though I'm not really doing a lot, relatively speaking. I'm learning to pay attention to my moods and my behaviour, because I don't have other people around to call me on stuff that I might be tempted to ignore.

So as much as this is hard, and having the flu in a place where no-one will look out for me is not going to be fun, I think it'll all be good in the long run. I've needed this. I may be alone right now, but at least I'm learning to be self sufficient.