crypticgirl (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
crypticgirl) wrote2008-09-20 10:31 pm
crypticgirl) wrote2008-09-20 10:31 pm
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On Chosen Family
I think it was ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
rickybuchanan who first introduced me to the concept of chosen family, though in reality I'd been thinking about it for a while before then, just without the words to frame it. For me, chosen family means the people in my life who feel more like family even though they're not blood relatives. Funnily enough, I consider my Mum to be in this category because, as those of you who have met her can attest, my mother is made of awesome. She and I are very close.
'Chosen' is a bit of a misnomer though; I don't actually think I get a lot of choice about it. As I've said to some of you before, I sometimes have very strong instincts about the people who come into my life. Sometimes I just get a gut feeling that's really good or bad and sometimes it's more articulated. There are people in my life now who I'm pretty sure will be around when I'm old (assuming, of course, that I make it to 'old'). I don't have to have spent a lot of time around a person to get that sense off them, though sometimes it takes longer. I can meet you once and know I will see you again. I can meet you once and know I am safe. Alternatively, I can meet you once and know you are a raving wanker or a person who sucks something from other people. You'd think I'd have worked out to, y'know, act on these instincts, but that seems to be a surprisingly hard lesson to learn.
I've been pondering my chosen family a lot since Dad died. Who is in it? How do I recognise them? What do they each mean to me? Do I treat those people in a way that shows I see them as chosen family? What would I do without them?
I'm certainly not going to list the people who are part of that chosen family here. That's partly because it's a very murkily defined thing, but also because it might lead to some gnashing of teeth and grabbing of shotguns. In some cases it might lead to running very far, very fast even though what I mean by family isn't even really 'sibling-person' or 'partner-person' in many cases. It's how someone makes me feel rather than a nominal relationship label. You're in my family if I can see you every now and again and still know the thing that holds us together will always be there. You're in my family if I'd defend you and I know you'd defend me. You're in my family if I think we understand each other well, no matter how different we are. It's not the sort of thing that requires a sekrit handshake and five rounds of initiation which include suspiciously large sums of money. It's just a different feeling.
Still, I'd like to hope that those of you who are quite definitively on this list know that from the things I say and do. But I realised when I was talking to Mr Crocodile a little while ago that some of you probably don't; as I said to him I don't tell the people who matter to me that I love them and need them nearly enough. This is partly because I'm a lazy arse, and partly because when I lost my hearing and wasn't able to communicate properly for a good eighteen months I had to become fairly enclosed. Also: I hate sounding like a Hallmark card.
I think it might also be because I assume that the other person feels that unspoken connection too. Which is a very five-year-old response to the world, really, and I Must Stop It. Many of my friends are quite perceptive people, but being perceptive doesn't mean they'll have the same perceptions as me. *bangs self over head with rock until concept sinks in*
Whatever the case, I need to do that better. I also have a tendency to just drift until I catch up with people. The fact that I can go for a long time without seeing the people who are in the same city as me doesn't mean I should, nor should I neglect calling and emailing those who are further afield. It wouldn't kill me to leave Trillian running now and again either. There's something about being an adult who works and has even more finite energy than most in here, but again: lazy arse. And I need to be better about it.
rickybuchanan who first introduced me to the concept of chosen family, though in reality I'd been thinking about it for a while before then, just without the words to frame it. For me, chosen family means the people in my life who feel more like family even though they're not blood relatives. Funnily enough, I consider my Mum to be in this category because, as those of you who have met her can attest, my mother is made of awesome. She and I are very close. 'Chosen' is a bit of a misnomer though; I don't actually think I get a lot of choice about it. As I've said to some of you before, I sometimes have very strong instincts about the people who come into my life. Sometimes I just get a gut feeling that's really good or bad and sometimes it's more articulated. There are people in my life now who I'm pretty sure will be around when I'm old (assuming, of course, that I make it to 'old'). I don't have to have spent a lot of time around a person to get that sense off them, though sometimes it takes longer. I can meet you once and know I will see you again. I can meet you once and know I am safe. Alternatively, I can meet you once and know you are a raving wanker or a person who sucks something from other people. You'd think I'd have worked out to, y'know, act on these instincts, but that seems to be a surprisingly hard lesson to learn.
I've been pondering my chosen family a lot since Dad died. Who is in it? How do I recognise them? What do they each mean to me? Do I treat those people in a way that shows I see them as chosen family? What would I do without them?
I'm certainly not going to list the people who are part of that chosen family here. That's partly because it's a very murkily defined thing, but also because it might lead to some gnashing of teeth and grabbing of shotguns. In some cases it might lead to running very far, very fast even though what I mean by family isn't even really 'sibling-person' or 'partner-person' in many cases. It's how someone makes me feel rather than a nominal relationship label. You're in my family if I can see you every now and again and still know the thing that holds us together will always be there. You're in my family if I'd defend you and I know you'd defend me. You're in my family if I think we understand each other well, no matter how different we are. It's not the sort of thing that requires a sekrit handshake and five rounds of initiation which include suspiciously large sums of money. It's just a different feeling.
Still, I'd like to hope that those of you who are quite definitively on this list know that from the things I say and do. But I realised when I was talking to Mr Crocodile a little while ago that some of you probably don't; as I said to him I don't tell the people who matter to me that I love them and need them nearly enough. This is partly because I'm a lazy arse, and partly because when I lost my hearing and wasn't able to communicate properly for a good eighteen months I had to become fairly enclosed. Also: I hate sounding like a Hallmark card.
I think it might also be because I assume that the other person feels that unspoken connection too. Which is a very five-year-old response to the world, really, and I Must Stop It. Many of my friends are quite perceptive people, but being perceptive doesn't mean they'll have the same perceptions as me. *bangs self over head with rock until concept sinks in*
Whatever the case, I need to do that better. I also have a tendency to just drift until I catch up with people. The fact that I can go for a long time without seeing the people who are in the same city as me doesn't mean I should, nor should I neglect calling and emailing those who are further afield. It wouldn't kill me to leave Trillian running now and again either. There's something about being an adult who works and has even more finite energy than most in here, but again: lazy arse. And I need to be better about it.
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BTW, there's nothing wrong like sounding like a Hallmark card every now and again. (smile)
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