It's really easy to be on your high horse when you're not in a certain situation. I haven't spent any significant amount of time single for a long time, and I'd developed some prejudices about singledom and how single people act or think. I'm now discovering just how many. In the five weeks since I moved out of the house I shared with Matt I've managed to kick myself so, so, so many times for all the internal eye rolling I've done previously over things that 'should be simple' to deal with. To wit, I have:

- Wondered why the good ones are unavailable.
- Thought of myself as that bitter and twisted old person with no family.
- Practiced saying "You kids get off my lawn!" in the privacy of my own home.
- Been deeply paranoid over an unrequited crush.
- Wished the happy couples in public places would stop looking so fucking happy.
- Felt bad about all of the above because I was, after all, the dumper (...*sigh*. No, not in the scatalogical sense). I don't get to feel like this, do I?
- Sniffled at the fact that I will more than likely be alone for the love-fest that will surely be Valentine's Day next year. When I'm in a relationship, VD is a crass, artifically inflated attempt by commercial interests to exploit the inherent need for people to express their love, and I don't require anything of it except an (extra) excuse for more hugs.
- Compared myself to other women and thought "I'll never be as loveable/good looking/proficient at walking in stilettos as she is. CLEARLY SHE IS COMPETITION AND MUST BE ELIMINATED AT ALL COSTS." The fact that I have absolutely no desire to wear stilettos is, in these moments, irrelevant.
- Wanted a hug and been unable to find a proficient human. Resorted to hugging heart-shaped pillow.
- Wanted a stimulating conversation and been unable to find a proficient human. Resorted to talking to stuffed purple sheep.
- Wondered how dim my prospects will be while my bedhead holds a stuffed toy puppy, a stuffed purple sheep, a teddy bear, and a dancing, singing transvestite bull in a dress.
- Worried that my prospects might not be dim in spite of the above.

In spite of the lonely bits and the sad bits, I'm actually not doing too badly at this singledom thing. It helps that I really do feel like I need the space to clear my head for a while, to learn and relearn things about myself and to send my life in a direction I want it to go in.
crypticgirl: (Default)
( Sep. 2nd, 2008 07:54 pm)
My mother just rang to tell me that my Dad died this afternoon. He was 93 and we hadn't really had a relationship to speak of since I finished school ten years ago, but this is a shock nonetheless.


crypticgirl: (Default)

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